Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

A Guide to the Site Changes

Hey, things look a little different!

Indeed they do look, and are, different. I have switched to a much cleaner WordPress theme, and also added a domain for the blog.

This blog now runs through schizophreniaweblog.com, as well as the previous schizophrenia.wordpress.com address. The former RSS feed, address, and links still work (and will continue to work) perfectly, and you don’t necessarily need to switch over. You still get the same stuff.

Insanity of Love, my book project, has unfortunately been gravely neglected and as such I am removing references to it here. The idea may return in some form in the future, but at the moment I need to concentrate on other things.

Thanks to all! 🙂

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Opportunities and their influence

The title of this post is utterly and totally unrelated to it’s content, but ‘writer’s block’ took over. Firstly, a little update:

Weds 3rd January: I rang my ‘care’ team during the day requesting an emergency appointment with a consultant. I reported extreme anxiety, anxiety about anxiety (GAD, anyone?) and impulsive suicidal urges (for want of a better word). I also felt quite uncontrollably aggressive and was worried that something unpredictable may happen. I was at work (scared shitless, to be honest).

No less than 3 hours later, I received a call back saying ‘the consultant doesn’t feel this is an emergency, I advise you to go to Accident & Emergency at the local hospital if you feel it is necessary’. Leaving the utter irony of his statement aside, what would the situation have to entail to be classified as an emergency? What does it take? Does it have to be left until something happens and then they step in with medication and hospitalisation and look like heroes?

I went to A&E soon after. After a further 2 hour wait (this I expected, and fault no one for) I was seen by the most amazing Liaison consultant I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She listened to my concerns, relaxed me, and has now applied for fast-tracked therapy! I am over the moon at the kindness and sincerity of this angel.

Now (Sun 7th January): I have begun to ponder on the use of words, and ideologies, such as ‘truth’, ‘fact’, ‘real’ and ‘reality’. What is the baseline for these words? General consensus? But of which country, culture, group of people?

Thing is, I cannot say ‘facts can never proved, purely because no one knows what the world is, where it came from, or why’ simply because that is hypocritical. I cannot say facts are not facts, without intending that to be a fact.

No one can prove MI5 are not after me. But somehow, by saying this it ‘proves’ I am suffering from a chronic, incurable disease that my rights must be taken away because of it. Anyone else see the hypocrisy?

Bottom line – what is the difference between someone kidnapping a person off the street because they believe abortion is OK, and a person who believes secret agents follow him being placed in a building with people who believe similar things?

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Unbelievable. Astounded.

I have just returned from a meeting with a new care-coordinator, and my previous one. They informed me my dispute against the decision to refuse me psychotherapy was dismissed, again by a team that has no idea who I am. They have never seen my face. They have never ever talked to me on the telephone. They just decided against helping me live my life like a life instead of a cycle of anxiety and nightmare-filed sleep times.

I don’t normally use this argument, but I do now ask the question of why I pay national insurance contributions. If the Hippocratic Oath means nothing to them, surely the legislative Good Medical Practice Guide means something? Obviously not. The box of tissues I was passed in the meeting this afternoon held more symbolic meaning than normal, because I could see the front-line soldiers knew I am f’ed up, but sadly those in the safe and warm MOD head quarters cannot see the wood for the trees.

I am severely under the impression that these people cannot organise a piss up in a brewery. It has reached the point of this treatment being past a ridicule of my integrity. I am filled with rage but the disappointment and utter disbelief are firing louder. I am scared for the future for the simple reason that this was my last window of opportunity for a very long time.

I’ve even had to return to work now until 6pm after that meeting. Sickened, I cannot work unless there is a sherry involved.

PISS. TAKE.

Music Concerning Schizophrenia?

There is little in the world I could compare to the beauty I find in music. I often search for a song for particular states of mind.. and certain situations I have been in. I don’t think it’s the ‘relating to the words’ aspect as much as using them to express how you feel, when you don’t have the energy nor strength to compose the sentences yourself.

I found this list on wikipedia which is very exhaustive. But, the problem is, it’s too exhaustive! Whilst a perfect resource for many, I am particular about the ambiance of the music I listen to so to go through the list to find a match would take hours…

I would like to throw an open question out.. if I may 🙂 Do you have a favourite track concerning mental health? Is it on that list? (If not, add it!).

I would love to find a slow (ish) tune, about hope and positivity when you’ve been kicked down. Probably acoustic, I love just piano+voice or guitar+voice exclusively..

So, come on then! Whatcha-waitin’-for 😉

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The ‘Team’ Are Meeting

As I type from my desk at work, the majestical and mystery ‘team’ are deliberating my immediate future.

This team, whom 90% have never spoke to me let alone seen my face, are deciding whether I spend Christmas inside a psychiatric ward because of ‘suicidal and homicidal feelings’. This, of course, the day after I was refused psychotherapy. Aside from this speaking volumes of the general approach to mental health, I now face the happiest time of year in one of the most negative places on earth, miles away from home. Miles away, because they have closed the hospital in Luton due to ‘service improvement’. Twisting the knife again.

I’ve asked on numerous occasions how many times I need to be stabbed for this to be an emergency. Yet when they start to become concerned, their first thoughts are seclusion and responsibility-dodging.

All I want is to be treated like a person, not a name on a file that can be passed around and has no emotional attributes. I’ll let you know the outcome of the meeting, but my girlfriend, parents, friends, i.e. the people I love with all my bloody heart will have to be told first.

God knows if I will loose this job too.

Edit: My thoughts on this in a spontaneous poem.

Putting it into words

I have always been a great believer in writing. Words open up such potential and possibility for creativity and expression. Something which is only matched by art.

I guess this is one of the reasons I am writing the book. It’s a personal journey aswell as helping others on a journey they wish to take. Words make things… real. They can inspire or they can hurt. They can illicit smiles or frowns. Love, or hate.

As an update, the book is coming along swimmingly.. hopefully, just hopefully, we should all be ready to go green-lighted by March 07. No promises though!

I would like to share with you a poem I found today, which inspired this post.. the transference of Feelings to Words is obvious. Thanks to Caitlin for letting me post!

I lost my mind.
I cannot find
my heart after you stole it.
My tears run dry
as I cry.
I fall to the bottomless pit.

Down below,
I cry out my soul,
hoping I will soon heal,
but as he goes,
my heart truly knows
that I’m too hurt to feel.

They try to help me
’cause they can see
that something is terribly wrong,
but down below,
I truly know
I can no longer sing my song.

I pick up the blade.
My fate is made,
for I can’t go on anymore.
The blood falls to the ground
as the voices go ’round,
and the rain begins to pour.

~by: Caitlin – [Gir] – Blue_Dragon~

Insanity of Love, Excerpt Of

From my forth-coming book which will be released under the creative commons license and be available in audio and downloadable files, as well as on a site in html.

I may also run a video-interpretation contest about it, not sure yet 🙂 This is the opening few paragraphs. Enjoy!

The depth of which eyes can reach are only beaten by the depth of love the heart can feel. You see sometimes, there is a moment in your life where your surroundings merge into one entity, and both the eyes and heart are captivated in tandem. The camera swirls majestically encircling you as the world watches the most private of seconds one can experience.

As the first words of the moment are uttered spontaneously choreographed, the borrowers of the mind take a record and store those words and every emotion felt with them in a permanent box, on a permanent shelf, in a fickle mind. So overwhelmed at this point, more by the beauty of it than the semantics, the words are short but the following embrace lasts a lifetime.

I describe the finite moment of life where love compounds logic, and the overwhelming sense of invincibility and immortality cloud the external world all but for the briefest of heartbeats. I can probably even hedge a bet on what, or more specifically who, you have thoughts concentrated on right now. The thoughts slowly turning into that indescribable feeling rippling in the torso, and finally you adjust your position as you read this, replicating how you would have laid down, or sat, or huddled whilst with them. I know it all too well, so there is no need to hide that memory as I tell mine.