Archive for the ‘This Website’ Category

Forthcoming Podcast Series: My Psychiatric Notes

I’ve thought long and hard about doing this. It’s something I really, really want to do. At some point, I’ll almost certainly face a wall in some fashion, whether a potential employer listens, or someone else that could do best not to have a preconception of me.

But I’m going to do it. Stay tuned to hear audio recordings of my first major, 4 month admission to a psychiatric hospital – told from both sides, as I have hard copies of all notes written by the nurses and doctors.

First episode this week. Will post and link when all is set up!

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Schizophrenia Blog Revived

I begin with an explanation. I had intended to move this blog to it’s own hosting – it seems for one reason or another it didn’t quite work out. So I’m back, here, now – and more ready than ever.

I follow with a plan. I now intend to create a compilation of chapters, a story if you will, of the experience of my first hospitalisation. The first post shall follow this one by about 10 minutes.

I sincerely hope you enjoy!

A Guide to the Site Changes

Hey, things look a little different!

Indeed they do look, and are, different. I have switched to a much cleaner WordPress theme, and also added a domain for the blog.

This blog now runs through schizophreniaweblog.com, as well as the previous schizophrenia.wordpress.com address. The former RSS feed, address, and links still work (and will continue to work) perfectly, and you don’t necessarily need to switch over. You still get the same stuff.

Insanity of Love, my book project, has unfortunately been gravely neglected and as such I am removing references to it here. The idea may return in some form in the future, but at the moment I need to concentrate on other things.

Thanks to all! 🙂

Sources of Inspiration

Firstly, I must apologise for the dire lack of posting of late, this will hopefully change from now on. I’ve bought MarsEdit (the best blog editor for OSX ever) and so should feel inclined to get past writer’s block more often. Sorry once again, thanks for staying with me if you did!

These past few weeks, well months really, things have been changing quite dramatically. The forefront of those, is most probably a question of misdiagnosis. Several psychiatrists have pondered on the idea of mistaking a personality disorder such as BPD for (Paranoid) Schizophrenia.

This theory came about after I myself expressed concern. I have, and for as long as I can remember have always had, a feeling of things being ‘discrete secrets’, which I will try my best to explain.

I had an inkling I had made it all up. Not a startling claim to hear from a Schizophrenia ‘sufferer’, but nonetheless was an honest admission. I began to feel quite confused over what I thought/felt about the external world, and what I thought/felt about my internal world. I would ponder for hours on whether there really was an ‘external world’. I would ponder for hours on whether there really was an ‘internal world’. I would ponder for hours on whether there really was a ‘world’.

This feeling of ‘I made it all up’, seems to me now, a way of dealing with the ‘reality’ of ‘unreality’. At the time I felt huge guilt over whether I had put everyone through hell purposefully, or I had been passively watching my actions and words and thoughts evolve and unfold, unable to lend a hand to stop them from happening. Constantly thinking about this was beginning to send me mad, again.

I then reached the point where I shouted at myself. I shouted that I needed to find a way, however temporary, to rationalise between what was real and what wasn’t – even if there was no distinction between the two in ‘reality’. I began to model my decisions on my best friend, asking myself ‘would this happen to him?’. We are similar in personality, although allowing myself for someone else to effectively control my decisions was a huge step of trust for me.

So, consequently, I am quite confused in thought at the moment. I have no idea if this post makes much sense at all, either. But to me, it makes no difference, as it doesn’t feel real anyway.

I hope everyone has been well? Please do let me know in the comments!

Matt

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A Big, Mahoosive, Loving Thank You

The last two days have been this blog’s biggest growth ever.. with over 250 unique visitors and so many more feed subscribers! That may seem like nothing to some, but I haven’t done anything special to promote the site at all. I am touched that so many people care about the subject to take the time to read this blog.

I would love to hold some kind of ‘giveaway’ to say thank you, but I can’t really afford it at the moment. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to drop me an e-mail 🙂 I would love to give something back for the smile on my face.

The team hasn’t decided yet (about hospital.) But I make a promise now, that if I am admitted, I will take a PDA or just use my phone and blog through Christmas from a psych ward. You have my word..

From the bottom of my soul, thank you.

Now get it to a thousand, please 😀

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My Approach, My Story, This Blog – Part 2

A few months ago, I posted about my approach to this blog. I have been thinking, and I believe I should be separating the two types of content involved in this blog.

Personal, Open, From-the-heart Commentary and Thoughts
I will be starting a new blog, probably self hosted, that will be raw, open and from-the-heart content with a purpose to give an insight into mental health, and it’s effects. This will be the blog to read for those that are truly wanting their eyes to be opened, and to learn (almost first-hand) what it’s like to distrust your mind. Part of me wants to put a disclaimer, the other half says it needs to be seen whoever you are.

Spelling-corrected and thought-out Commentary and Discussion
This blog here then, will be more for ‘professional’ (for want of a better word) content, that will report and discuss news and happenings in the MH world. The more ‘thought-out’ postings here – whereas the blog previously mentioned will be more poems, short stories, random postings of interest etc..

I hope this format will suit all. The domain is being registered as I type and I’ll post here once it’s all set up. Thanks for your continued support.. it’s appreciated so much.

Matt

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Site Updates

I hope everybody is doing well! You may have noticed a few aesthetic changes around here.. I would love to hear your comments and thoughts..

I apologise for not post in the last couple of days, this should be back to normal from this moment on 🙂

There’s an appointment tomorrow with my consultant psychiatrist (otherwise known as the Consultant of self-professed omnipotency and consistent-hypocracy) so I shall post the outcome of that here. My hopes are not high, but I will damn try.

Just hit 2am dead on, yet another sleepless night.. at least there is a 24/7 shop five minutes away.