Sources of Inspiration

Firstly, I must apologise for the dire lack of posting of late, this will hopefully change from now on. I’ve bought MarsEdit (the best blog editor for OSX ever) and so should feel inclined to get past writer’s block more often. Sorry once again, thanks for staying with me if you did!

These past few weeks, well months really, things have been changing quite dramatically. The forefront of those, is most probably a question of misdiagnosis. Several psychiatrists have pondered on the idea of mistaking a personality disorder such as BPD for (Paranoid) Schizophrenia.

This theory came about after I myself expressed concern. I have, and for as long as I can remember have always had, a feeling of things being ‘discrete secrets’, which I will try my best to explain.

I had an inkling I had made it all up. Not a startling claim to hear from a Schizophrenia ‘sufferer’, but nonetheless was an honest admission. I began to feel quite confused over what I thought/felt about the external world, and what I thought/felt about my internal world. I would ponder for hours on whether there really was an ‘external world’. I would ponder for hours on whether there really was an ‘internal world’. I would ponder for hours on whether there really was a ‘world’.

This feeling of ‘I made it all up’, seems to me now, a way of dealing with the ‘reality’ of ‘unreality’. At the time I felt huge guilt over whether I had put everyone through hell purposefully, or I had been passively watching my actions and words and thoughts evolve and unfold, unable to lend a hand to stop them from happening. Constantly thinking about this was beginning to send me mad, again.

I then reached the point where I shouted at myself. I shouted that I needed to find a way, however temporary, to rationalise between what was real and what wasn’t – even if there was no distinction between the two in ‘reality’. I began to model my decisions on my best friend, asking myself ‘would this happen to him?’. We are similar in personality, although allowing myself for someone else to effectively control my decisions was a huge step of trust for me.

So, consequently, I am quite confused in thought at the moment. I have no idea if this post makes much sense at all, either. But to me, it makes no difference, as it doesn’t feel real anyway.

I hope everyone has been well? Please do let me know in the comments!

Matt

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