Archive for June, 2006

New Podcast In The Coming Days

I will soon be launching a new podcast at this address. It will be the story/journey of my world in the last few years, and hopefully help others as much as I feel it will help me. I will replace the podcast RSS feed on this page with the new podcast now, as the other one will not be developed much in the future. I am going to concentrate all my energy into this one at present, as I feel it will be more beneficial to others and myself.

As it says in the first entry on the SM blog, please only listen if you feel up to it.

Expect Chapter One in the coming days!

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Music of the Soul

One thing that has continued to support me throughout the ordeal has been music. Available at your beck-and-call, music can help heal the wounds life leaves. That’s why I have decided to include podsafe music on my podcast, and added the feed on the right hand-side of this page. I hope you all enjoy the cast.

Just a warning : I get a bit upset on the latest episode. Plus the recording is awful – sound level is so low!

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Even mad people love

It is often the case that I can feel no emotion whatsoever, that I am
emotionally-dead and that nothing could affect me in a positive way.
But the past few days have been substantially different, and I have
begun to experience complete “caringness”, empathy and love.

I have met someone that in a few days has given life some reason, and
purpose. When I thought all was lost, I have found her and am so
thankful for it. She is the most gorgeous, wonderful, special and beautiful girl I have come across and although it’s early days, I believe we have a spark.

One of the symtpoms of “schizophrenia” is a lack of empathy or emotion. This is was is classed as a “negative” symptom, something which is “missing”. But the connection we have made has crossed that symptom, and wiped it entirely from the situation.

Sometimes things are just meant to be. I believe I am now on the road to recovery with someone that strives to understand my feelings and thoughts, and someone who I feel I should strongly protect and look after.

Thank God for love.

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The Solution is Within, Not External

From the day of diagnosis, I have always been persuaded that the answer to the hell is from outside, external factors and “things” (for want of a better word). I write this post today challenging that thesis, and to explain my thinking here.

Olanzapine, Rispirdone, Abilify. Three names of anti-psychotics that have been prescribed to me in the last 3 years, since I turned 15. Each medical pill is not recommended for under 18’s. Infact, there isn’t a single anti-psychotic that is. Seems strange, when the average age of the onset of psychosis is the teenage years.

The doctors themselves have even admitted to me that these tablets being pumped into my body are not actually even understood by their creators. No one knows exactly what they even do. Apart from the side-effects, of course.

It is my strong belief, that the cure to Schizophrenia lyes (spelling?) within the sufferer themselves. I believe my experiences and actions I have took towards recovery back this theory up, and I would like to share a few of them with you now.

I refuse to be told that I will only ever manage my “illness”, rather than eradicate it completely. Maybe this is me being stuborn (spelling again!?), but without hope, and belief, you have nothing. I don’t mean hope or belief in God, a higher-power, or someone else. I mean having a belief that you can, beyond any stumbling blocks, overcome and move forward from any horrific experience life decides to throw your way.

That is why I have made a “life plan” for the next year of my living world. My living world, by the way, is the world that my body exists in. My uncontrolled world being the world the illness creates for me, and then my safety world (one of which I believe most people have) where I create situations and beliefs in my mind to cope or escape from anything “unsafe”.

This life plan consists of the end goal of “eradication of symptoms”. No more need for medication (though, I don’t believe there is one in the first place, for me anyway). No more need for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). And no more need for hurting.

I propose to complete this task by realising that the symptoms are thoughts. Just thoughts. Nothing else. Thoughts are never the true story. No one’s are. Because they are just our story, each person’s individual, custom-made story that they live every day of their lives. By the same token, reality doesn’t exist and never has. It is a concept we have created to make ourselves feel “normal”. Which is another concept and not fact (the idea of normal).

I’d be happy to answer any feedback if you have any. Thanks for reading and take care.

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My Expression Through Photography

As you may have noticed, I have set up a little flickr viewer of my pictures from flickr. I did this because I express my feelings and thoughts through both the written word, and through photography – and thought it appropriate to add it in the sidebar.

Most of the pictures are boring, but I just love using my Nikon D50 dSLR camera! I hope everyone is doing good, add me as a friend on flickr if you wish – I’d be more than happy.

Thanks all!

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My Approach, My Story, and this blog.

After a well-put, honest and correct observation of my “what is schizophrenia?” page by someone called jase, I would like to explain a few things, set a few boundaries for myself, and ask for some opinions and feedback on where I should take this blog.

I am a 17 year old diagnosed with schizophrenia 3 years ago. I am just now, after several hospital admissions and putting those around me through hell, coming to terms with my situation and looking for positive ways to move forward.

The way I (admittedly very quickly, and without thinking) wrote the page on this blog was entirely stupid, ignorant, and unfair of me. I can only hope jase can forgive me for this, and I welcome him/her to comment on this post with how I can improve.

I should have seen the wider picture, and been more considerate. The only thing I felt offended by was the opening statement concerning my spelling, but I understand that it may have caused anger in jase and thus will not take issue with this.

Specifically the “causes” part of the page, was very narrow-minded of me. They were what I see my “causes” to be, and I should have concidered what others would have felt reading it, or have omitted the section entirely.

I now appeal to the audience of this blog, to make suggestions on it’s content and the context and appearance of that content. How honest should I be? Should this blog be about my day-to-day experiences?

I leave the comments system open to you all, and apologise once again to jase.

Kindest wishes to all,

Matt

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Sickening Story

I found this article through Google News, it is a heart-wrenching read for anyone affected by mental health.

Neil, of Cleveland Street, suffered from psychosis, schizophrenia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and when he could not stand the torture of his own mind any longer he took heroin to block out the pain.Both he and his mother knew that he needed round-the-clock care and treatment, but Burnley NHS Trust’s mental health department did not provide it. Now, angry and grieving, Mrs Green just wants answers.

Nelson News – Pendle Today: News, Sport, Jobs, Property, Cars, Entertainments & More

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